The Joy of People With Expiration Dates...

My friend Nancy has an expiration date. Diagnosed with stage 4 Cancer, in 4 areas of her body, she is on a day by day contract with life. Lately, our bucket lists have been 'week to week'. I have had 2 other dear friends with expiration dates, Blayne and Cathy (Joe's lovely wife) and both of these people enriched my life so magnificently, as they struggled with a certain death, that I want to speak about what expiration dates can mean for folks who have them.

Blayne used to love to call me at strange hours and say "Hurry Up down to Atlanta, Phyllis to experience my GREAT LIFE." Blayne found a way to celebrate daily his 'expiration date' diagnosis. I lived in New Jersey at the time and would come down often to visit Blayne. My favorite part about Blayne was that he was diagnosed at age 16 that he'd have 5 years to live with lymphoma and this was at age 42 that he finally got the real 'death knell' diagnosis of 3 months which he pushed to really be 8 months. So the first lesson Blayne taught me was that diagnosis can sometimes be wrong. Remember to listen carefully to your own will to live. For instance, in April, he decided that he might not make Halloween, so he planned a Halloween party in August for all his friends. This was a big production as these things tend to be for the kind of creative gay man that Blayne was. We went shopping for an entire day to no less than 4 atlanta party supplies stores to get just the right combination of Tiki Torches, witches' brew cauldrons, black crepe paper, and spiders. Blayne was a consummate lover of film and perfomance, having created the CASSIE awards, a yearly celebration of all the audiotape and videotape CASSIE movies we made throughout the year. His actors and actresses were drawn from his travel agency, everyday phone operators turned "Film Star" by Blayne's remarkable sense of panache and creativity.

So we all knew his "Dignified Dying Last Final Halloween Party" would be stupendous and win many CASSIE best scream awards. The one activity on that day of shopping that really stood out for me was buying fish food for Blayne's fish. He stood at the fish food section of Petsmart and was just cross legged staring for almost an hour and picking out diff. foods, putting them back in disgust and then the next, reading and then back on the shelf. Finally I said, "Blayne, what's with the consternation over fish food?" and he turned to me with a very serious look on his face and said quite simply "Phyllis, most people don't get life. It's really quite simple, you get to do and pick anything you want. So, when you pick something as important as food for your fish, you have to make it THE VERY BEST YOU CAN FIND." He then went on to study it about 20 minutes more and then with a smile, back in the corner found a fish food that he felt WORTHY of his little fishies. Something about that QUALITY TONE to his voice made me look at my own life differently from that day forward. I was not willing to rush through life anymore the way my corporate life had asked me to. I slowed down a little bit more, I took time to study the fish food, so to speak. This is what expiring people give you, these amazing gifts of wisdom that if you are willing to learn, will definitely inspire your own 'expiration date' life.

You see the thing is we all have expiration dates, it's only not as plainly stamped in ink on our foreheads like it is for others. And for us in the living world, we are less lucky than they are because we don't know every second we're gonna die, we end up wasting our time daily on activities that really don't matter in the scheme of things.

Let's take soccer mom and her taxi cab lifestyle. How many soccer moms LOVE the process of taxi cabbing their kids from one sporting event to the next? What I detect is sometimes resentment bordering on frustration with the routine of it all. How much do the kids really love playing these games? But, it seems to be a 'required activity' of suburban america to drive your kids to events. In africa, the way they'd handle it, is one mom would agree to drive for a week all the other kids, and the other moms would enjoy weaving baskets and each other. Communities are not something Americans develop easily, because other than the short 'hello' to the other soccer moms, there is very little communal exchange in our 'rush rush rush' American/Corporate society. So much of this will change as the economy crashes, people will crave other human contact and I am seeing now as my coffee calendar has skyrocketed with entries. If you had an expiration date, you'd ask Jonny-your son if he could be driven by a few other moms for a week and you'd probably find some way to go visit the Hoh rainforest. Do moms know they can do this? Ditch their kids for a week and just go play. I don't think they do. Which is why so many moms I meet have that blank stare and that harrowed look in their eyes. It's a shame society's rules are so strict, folks don't know they are meant to be broken.

Nancy's concept of an expiration date involves, pretending there is not one, but quietly behind the scenes behaving as if there is one. You see she had colon cancer once before and with excruciating months of surgeries and fighting it, beat it back to submission for 8 years. Nancy does not give up easily. She sits on the governor's committee for transportation because all Nancy sees in life are answers, solutions. She never complains but always recommends better ways of doing things. She hosted a 'bead for life' party to raise money for African women taking back their lives and their communities, reducing their dependence on the violent men who harm them, and she said very meekly "Phyllis I'd be happy if we raised $250.00". Of course the whole eastside came out for this party and we raised $925.00 for the women of the Congo, who are using the money to buy schools and books for their children. This is but one small facet of the Nancy San Carlos that I'm coming to know as we celebrate both our 'great lives.' together.

Ever wish you could bring people back from the dead to meet each other.. I'd love to have Chris Elliott, Blayne and Nancy all in a room sharing and laughing and talking. That would be so fantastic.

But for many people the sadness of expiration dates- whether in friends, or family members, does take a toll on their fragile white dove souls. I find that crying randomly while driving my car is a very good sign that I"m letting it out. I dont' even ask why I'm crying anymore, I see it as a kind of sanity pressure valve to just cry without know who it is I'm crying for or why. Crying is such a very cool human emotion. It's an emotion so strong, that it makes itself from an ethereal concept in one's mind, into something physical "a tear." Tears are soft and warm and often very soothing as they streak down your cheek, I often am half way thru crying and then I just notice how great the tears feel on my cheek and I am thankful and oddly guilty for feeling good that the tears make me feel good when I'm supposed to be feeling sad and bad. Tears are really the best way you can honor your expiration date friends and family members. I'm pretty sure oceans of tears have been used to commemorate the dead and dying, but the most amazing thing about a tear, is that you cared deeply in the living years enough that you actually can generate a tear of love and sadness for their passing.

My problem is I have so many people I love at all times, I have a lot of tears to carry around too. I know you won't believe me but I love the man at the Burger King window in North bend. He's a kind of happiness warrior who says thru the loudspeaker when you are ordering your burger "Hello and Welcome to Burger King, Hope you're having a really GREAT day"... and I just say back "well, boy howdy aren't you full of energy today...." and he says "I'm sorry ma'am, i'm just happy to be here working today." wow... just friggin wow.. this guy loves his job at a burger king window... when I asked him why he loved his job he said it was because he got paid to stare at a mountain all day. I get why he said that... Mt. Si has that effect on me too. Mt. Si is like this big old grandfather with big loving arms hugging you every second you are in it's view. very soothing to be in the shadow of mt. si. so this Burger king boy, is a really great guy and I go visit him as often as I feel like it.

When I tell people that our hearts are big enough to love many people, they sort of look at me funny, like well after their husband and their kids, they hardly have the energy for anyone else. I tell them that my expiration date people were all folks who were NOT my family member and NOT my lover/partner. I also tell them that to love anyone deeply is a gift from God to be taken with all the joy and serenity it is given. Love and light and God stream thru to us every second of every minute of every day and it's only whether we grasp such gifts that make our lives meaningful and full of honor.

It's so clear to me ,now as I wrap up my first blog blab.. that the more people with expiration dates you have, the more enriched your life will be. I'm pretty lucky to know Dellann, a woman who's husband Chris had an expiration date. She has since started a foundation and magnetized to her thousands of expiration date people. It's odd, because I never see her cry either, which is amazing to me because I know and sense that she's sad. She must cry when no one is looking. But mostly, I'm impressed that she has shown me also how to handle some of my expiration dates. Mostly she too does not believe in taking "no" for an answer or 'life over' as a diagnosis for people with brain cancer.. so here I am working my ass off for a bunch of folks with Glio when I don't even know someone personally who has it. But I'm sure I will meet them soon, and when I do, I will remind to buy their fish the very best fish food money can buy... because like many of us don't really recognize.. your life is a one time deal.. no second chances.. no do overs.. so make it count.

I'm only too grateful to the people in my life who have expiration dates ... and grateful to the world for showing me their grace and their courage.